10 Ways to Travel Like a Rapper
There are millions of people out there who try to emulate rappers, from their way of dress to their copieddance moves. Most fail terribly at this task. Sure, you can shine up those dance moves to be less Carlton and more Diddy, but being a rapper is about more than that. It is about how one moves through this world, the aura of hip hop evident on sight. Don’t try to rap; that is the least important thing and it is bound to get awkward.
Don’t despair. Here are ten ways to travel like a rapper:
1. Giant Puffy Jacket
Flickr (San Francisco Foghorn)
I put this first because it is a quick and easy start towards looking like a rapper. Make sure the jacket is nearly unmanageable in its largeness. Go cheap and grab one at the thrift store. The fact that you exist under it should only be slightly evident. To add to this effect you should go for some fuzzy stuff around the edges, obscuring you to the point that you become a mystery. Mysterious is good. You are now a question mark on which we can hang special mythological attributes. Maybe you’ve got a tail or an arc reactor in your chest that powers you like Iron Man. Mystery!
2. Don’t Smile
Flickr (Super 45 | MÃºsica Independiente)
Now, this is very important. You want to be totally unapproachable. Be a stone. You don’t care about anything. Practice in front of the mirror a lot, channel your inner Kanye. Have your friend or significant other throw questions at you so you can ignore them completely. You are on your way to hip hop stardom. No matter what the TSA agent does to you, keep that face straight.
3. Wear Non-Functional Shoes
Flickr (Doctor Popular)
This is another area where you can hit up the Goodwill. You may very well find some LeBrons from last season that were given away. They must be kept immaculate though. You mustn’t wear them in the rain or on unpaved ground. If you go the work-boot direction, you must loosen them to the point they barely stay on your feet. Don’t tie your laces, just let them hang useless (which is handy when you have to remove them in the security line).
There should be no question that you have a good relationship with money. Decorate your body with what you might think of as too much shiny stuff. It isn’t too much. It actually isn’t enough. This doesn’t really have to cost a lot, just appear like it from a distance (since you are now appropriately unapproachable). Or you can borrow some bling. Just be ready for the wand to come out wheny ou keep setting off the metal detector.
5. Fly Better
Flickr (Kitty Terwolbeck)
If you are going to act like a rapper, you cannot fly coach (especially with the mass of the puffy jacket alone). But first class airfare is quite spendy. That’s why you have to be crafty to get to the front of that airbus. Enjoy the legroom and the complimentary drinks. Drink too much.
6. Sleep in Style
Flickr (Don Graham)
Hotels are boring and civilian. When you get to where you’re going, you’ll want to feel like you live there. Every town is yours. Stay in a fancy high-rise condo or a countryside mansion, your choice. Just peruse the listings on Airbnb for wherever you are heading. You can still crash a hotel lobby if you’re itching for that sort of after-party.
7. Get a Driver
By IFCAR (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
You need to maintain your exclusivity while hefting around your new wardrobe. As you exit the club, you should have a car waiting for you. This is non-negotiable. Download Uber or Lyft on your smartphone to call on a car in seconds. Choose UberLUX to get collected by one of the finest cars, or UberSUV to enjoy the handsome ruggedness and space of a larger vehicle.
8. Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em
Flickr (Ian Sane)
Not that the average rapper is too over-conscious about local drug laws, but many states have started to legalize the sale of marijuana for medical and recreational purposes. It can be difficult to know where to find the green stuff wherever you travel (aside from the seedy side streets available everywhere). Now you can plan to shop wherever you end up (as long as it is legal) by using Leafly’s dispensary finder, which lists all medical and recreational shops in many cities across the country. Or download the app, to research on the go. You can even find some Snoop Dogg OG.
9. Drink Champagne All The Time
New Year’s champagne (Free photobank www.tOrange.us)
Whether you are planning on spraying it all over bikini-clad ladies or merely drinking it boringly out of a glass, it is important that you have champagne. The biggest brands enjoyed by the title fighters of the rap game would be a joy to have, but who really wants to spend two bills on a bottle of booze? Luckily you can approximate the taste of your Cristals and Dom Perignons without emptying your much more meager accounts.
Flickr (Loren Javier)
Not actually being a rapper presents a particular challenge to bringing your friends with you everywhere you travel. They have jobs and they are tired of you asking them about how the fur coat looks on you (“Yes! Very mysterious!”). But if you are able to convince several to drop their quotidian concerns to accompany you, you are sure to enjoy not only the status of having an entourage but also getting group discounts on everything from airfare to lodging (what’s the use of a mansion without someone to share the cost?).
Sean eats, drinks, lives, writes in Seattle, Washington, and has done so for the last eight years.